It is Monday, June 2nd, 2025, 5:01am. The remaining jet lag has me up early, and I want to use it wisely…hopefully creating a new habit of being up before dawn. Out my window, I see my sleepy suburban neighborhood, a lone streetlight, and a tall, still palm tree…there is no breeze. I want to remember all of my time at Chateau Orquevaux—to get it out of my head and on to the page—before it becomes lost in the day to day tasks of every day and the details become fuzzy. So now, let me take you on a journey—a grand adventure and a peek into my artist brain. Sit back and enjoy the ride….

For the past year or so, I haven’t felt like myself. I had become somewhat lazy, unmotivated, and tired all of the time. I gained weight despite working out, my hormones all over the place. Doom scrolling in between painting in isolation, watching reality TV, and doing household chores seemed to be my life now…and with our two teenage daughters thriving, living full lives of their own, it seemed to shine a spotlight on what I was or wasn’t accomplishing. My “mom” duties were slowly receding, which caused me to have a bit of an identity crisis, I guess you could say. Let’s just say it’s been a valley of a year in the land of peaks and valleys.

More than two years ago, I got accepted as an artist in residence at the Chateau Orquevaux in the middle of the French countryside, and the date was finally hurtling towards me as I realized my passport was expired and I was really unprepared. The last time I traveled solo to Europe was in the summer of 1999, spending five weeks in Paris and another four weeks in Stratford-Upon-Avon, England, studying painting and drawing and Shakespeare’s works, respectively.. I was a fresh faced 22 year old with my entire life ahead of me, ready to take on the world.

But who was I now? I was 47, about to turn 48…my “conquer the world” attitude had been dulled over the years with everything life threw at me. And there’s nothing like a solo trip halfway across the world for two weeks with 20 people I’d never met to really kick that anxiety into high gear. Was I excited? Sure! But the more I thought about it, the more I wondered what I would tell these people…what I would paint…what I would do…and how I would feel. I started to relate to the main character in my as yet unfinished screenplay—completely unsure of herself as she heads out on a quest.

I decided to put a small buffer into the trip. Instead of heading straight to France, I would fly to New York with my cousin, Laura, and we’d stay in the TWA terminal in-airport hotel. I’ve known her since she was born and I knew that she could help me get my head on straight…or at the very least distract me from thinking about the next leg of my journey. Funnily enough, my screenplay stops just when the main character gets to this exact hotel in NYC, so I hoped it could also kick my writers block to the curb.

Once we got there, the fact that I don’t get out of my comfort zone very often anymore became glaringly apparent. I was a nervous, sweaty mess, second-guessing my outfit choices and stammering when I had to talk to gate agents or hotel employees. My 22 year old self would have died of second hand embarrassment. It became obvious that I didn’t have a firm grasp on who I was anymore, which was scary as shit. Thank god for Laura, who insisted that we run around the hotel taking pictures of each other in its retro themed nooks and crannies. We talked about our grandparents, who traveled for a few months every year and were so chic and worldly, and seemed to know exactly who they were. She was kind of like a coach giving me a pep talk before the big game…telling me that I would change from the inside out on this trip, that was a given. The next day, even though I still had a million doubts still swirling around in my head, I allowed myself to get excited. I had butterflies! I knew that this adventure would change my life for the better.

I got on the plane with a new mindset in place—I was going to let this experience wash over me as i did at 22, letting it change me the way I needed to change…however that may be….

Read Pt 2: The Arrival (coming soon)

Musings on France, Part 1: The Preparation